A bit of conceit.

I couldn't believe this when I saw it on "Friends". Someone posted the script to the web, and Google found it!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]

JOEY: Hey.

MONICA: Hey.

JOEY: Where you going?

MONICA: To the bank.

JOEY: Sperm or regular?

MONICA: Sperm.

JOEY: So you're really doing this, huh?

MONICA: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.

JOEY: Sounds nice.

MONICA: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...

JOEY: No kiddin', hmm.

MONICA: What?

JOEY: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.

MONICA: Really? Why?

JOEY: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of
those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.

MONICA: Hoyt?

JOEY: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with
a big pool.

MONICA: Really, is he a swimmer?

JOEY: He's got the body for it.

MONICA: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?

JOEY: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in
your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.

MONICA: We do not have one of those signs.

JOEY: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three
great kids.

MONICA: Two girls and a boy?

JOEY: Yeah!

MONICA: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know.
And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt
wraps this big towel around all three of them.

JOEY: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way
sounds good too.

MONICA: Yeah.

JOEY: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and
stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've
been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).

Demonstrating how some words don't have opposites!

How I met my wife

by Jack Winter

Published 25 July 1994 in the New Yorker

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated---as if this were something I was great shakes at---and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.